Friday, November 2, 2007

The General Announces New Sponsor- ER Williams, Inc.


The General, standing in his Dress Blues, announced ER Williams as the Official Government Contractor of the 2008 Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic. The General went on to say "The help and commitment from ER Williams will help us push back the British and drown the enemy in the Dan." The Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic is thrilled to have ER Williams, Inc. on board.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Nathanael Greene Announces Official Drink Sponsor for 2008 Classic: HONEST TEA


The 2nd Annual Nathanael Greene All Wooden Classic has a new official drink. Players and volunteers at this years event will quench their thirst with the sweet nectar that is Honest Tea and Honest Aid. With all Honest Tea products being USDA Organic and Fair Trade certified, the General, his revolutionary friends and the Classic staff are happy to call Honest Tea the Official Drink of the 2008 Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic.
Check out their website http://www.honesttea.com/

Friday, June 29, 2007

Nathanael Greene Donates Large Sum to Save the Children

Nathanael Greene, with the help of many local tennis stars, has donated $400.44 dollars to Save the Children. Katie O'Conner accepted the check on behalf of Save the Children from General Greene. Startled at the check, Katie remarked "General....its so big" and then she promptly thanked everyone for participating in the 1st Annual Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic.

General Greene said a few words for the large crowd. "I would like to send a personal congratulations to all those that participated or donated money to the tournament. We were able to donate $400.44 dollars. Save the Children is a great charity that helps create a real and lasting chance for children in need in the United States and around the world. A round of applause for everyone is well deserved. Once again thank you so much for participating. I hope a wonderful time was had by all and I surely do hope to see everyone back for the 2nd Annual Nathanael Greene All Wooden Tennis Racquet Invitational Classic Cup Memorial." The normally reserved crowd then broke out into loud applause and cheers. Moments later a soft version of "America the Beautiful" could be heard in the back. Tears were not in short supply.

Greene who is afraid of flash photography did not appear in the picture. However he asked local philanthropist Sam Kirby to stand in his place. Kirby was more than happy to hand over the check. Applause broke the silence once again.







Thursday, June 28, 2007

Carl Lonnberg, Beth Kirby Scoff at Greene All Wooden Club Dress Code--Some sponsors withdraw

"You can dress 'em up, but you can't take 'em out."


Badboy of tennis Carl Lonnberg and fan favorite Beth Kirby ignored the Greene All Wooden all white dress code last weekend in the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic. "I am pretty sure that was a duck on her dress," Lauren Shapiro said after her and Kirby's match, "either way it was unnecessary." Lonnberg, who donned a Maryland basketball jersey, and Kirby who wore a brown skirt with a duck grazing on the front both were seen as distractions to an otherwise smooth tennis tournament. "I am still seeing red,"Lonnberg's semifinals opponent Anita Sharma said today.



In a turn for the worst, sponsors GQ and Jane magazine, under the auspices of Conde Nast Publications, withdrew sponsorship for the '08 Wooden Classic. In a press conference Monday Conde Nast President Sarah Chubb said, "We at Conde Nast do not condone the fashion choices of Carl Lonnberg or Beth Kirby, we cannot continue to sponsor such dress. I mean, was that a duck?"Despite Lonnberg's attire he managed to finish second to media-friendly trash talker Glenn Davis, a feat that assistant tournament director Max Bergmann attributed more to "poor decision-making by both the bracket committee and Lonnberg's opponents."Tournament director Sam Kirby released a statement yesterday assuring tennis purists that the two would be fined for their actions. "As of now" Kirby stated,"let's just be thankful no one was physically hurt."

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Nadal is to Federer as Altizer is to Kirby


Altizer's play upsets many:

Glenn Davis is left thanking his lucky stars that Sam Kirby lost in the Quarter finals to arch-nemisis Whit Altizer. The tennis community is left shaking their head once again as Kirby came up short on Saturday again against Altizer. Many saw the Kirby/Davis Semi-Finals as a match to end all matches. Altizer had other ideas. Kirby has yet to find the answers to Altizer's game. While fans easily mocked Altizer and pleaded for Kirby to come back, his injured ankle and his in-ability to get his first serve in play was his undoing. Tennis fans it was not to be. Kirby was quoted as saying "You really have to give it to Altizer, he leaves it out on the court. Nice mustache by the way." I could of sworn I saw a tear majestically abseil down Kirby's cheek. A tennis fan can only hope and dream for next year.

Glenn Davis Wins Pearl Trophy; Outlasts Carl Lonnberg


Glenn Davis outlasted the late onslaughts of serves from Carl Lonnberg to win the 1st Annual Nathanael Greene Wooden Racquet Tennis Tournament Invitation Cup Memorial Classic. Davis, a veteran of the wooden circuit, has now added a major to his trophy case. Davis' route to the finals was not an easy one. Davis easily won over an outmatched Darren Durlach, then played two excellent matches with Lloyd Overdyke and Scott Davidson, only to come out on top. Davis was tested in the Semifinals by none other than play-boy and circuit misfit Whit Altizer. After a fight in the stands, two of Davis' fan supporters were thrown out for cheering "W-h-i-t, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly" during Altizer's serve. Davis was able to put down Altizer with scintillating ground strokes and managed a 8-6 victory.
After winning the prestigious Pearl Trophy, Davis managed a few words. "This is what its all about, the Pearl validates my whole career. I've won some tournaments, but none as big as the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic." Well Mr. Davis, I think Nathanael Greene would be proud. You fought with a revolutionary style and served with distinction. Well done.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Champion Davis Cries As Trophy Is Handed Over!





Glenn Davis Wins 1st Annual Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic.







Who's Excited about the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic

Sound off on the comments below....

BRACKETS RELEASE 4:00PM EST

The March to Savannah is starting to gear up, today registration closes and the Brackets are announced. If you haven't registered yet, you have until 4:00 PM EST today. Numerous questions will be answered at 4:00 today. For the west, a couple people sit on the bubble and we will be checking in with them through satellite. We may see faces of joy, but for some the March to Savannah was a quick one surrounded with tears of frustration and anguish. Did Mike Richards get the number 1 seed he rightfully thinks he deserves? Who did fan favorite, Lauren Shapiro, get paired with? Who is playing on the unlucky upset minded court number 5? The March to Savannah begins NOW.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

THE MARCH TO SAVANNAH

Coffee, Lattes, Cappuccino and Donuts will be served at 8:45am in the player's lounge of the Greene Estate. I know its early and for some reason you signed up for a wooden racquet tennis tournament but this should make the transition from night to day a bit better. Ivan Lendl is scheduled to give the part 2 lecture of his series about the benefits of a wooden game. Q &A afterwords...and then The MARCH TO SAVANNAH will begin promptly at 9:30 am.



Court Locations

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

NATHANAEL GREEN WANTS YOU!


Ladies and gentlemen,
The time has come to pick up your wooden racquets and lay down your fears. Many will not make it home, but all will have helped in our quest. You will be remember. This my friends is a testament to those that came before us. The Children are depending on us. Join me, join your brothers, join your sisters in helping make a difference in world where wooden racquets are no longer allowed. Graphite, Kevlar, fiberglass have laughed too long while in cahoots with tyranny. Let us take back the night, let us sing while swinging thunderbolts of wood. What God has strung together with pine, oak, beech, maple and nylon, let no man tear apart. Register TODAY.


Warmest Regards,
THE GENERAL

Monday, June 11, 2007

BREAKING NEWS:Press Loves The Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic

Asheville Citizen-Times reporter and voice of the mountains, Lindsay Nash writes on her involvement in the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic. General Greene sends a special thanks to Ms Nash.

Read all about it here.

RACQUETOLOGY

WEEK 4

Glenn Davis--Birmingham, AL
Davis is one of the odds on favorite to win the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic. Davis quickly gained international fame with his early career on the Badminton circuit and received player of the year awards for both 93 and 94 Badminton seasons. After a torn groin muscle sidelined him for most of the 98 season, Davis successfully completed the transition to the hard courts. Davis is one of only a hand full of players that can serve with either hand, this becomes tricky late in the match for players that are used to seeing the usual right to left motion of Davis's side spinning first serve. Davis is banned from playing in Finland after an altercation with Finnish officials at the Paavo Nurmi Invitational.

Jon Sowar--Alexandria, VA
A monk sits at the bank of the Ganges River, calmly meditating in preparation for the upcoming tennis circuit. His village suffers from disease and cannot receive medicine because the people are poor. The monk decides he will raise money for medicine by entering the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic. As Jon searches his inner self at the bank of the river, his wife Sally approaches him from behind. She knows it was a tough decision for Jon since he only lives to help people not hurt them. Suddenly Jon's body erupts in flames. Sally is stunned -- what had she done? Jon rises to face her. "Do not worry. This is the miracle of Yoga. It is not real flame. It is part of my aura. If I use this power, I can win the wooden classic without seriously hurting my opponent." Sally is relieved. "What you believe is the only way to go, Jon." His decision is made without hesitation.

Christopher Arnold--Washington, DC
Arnold is known to have a foothold in the dirty underground of our nation's capital. A stoic baseline game and very agile at attacking the net, Arnold's only problem is the fact that he has ties to the illegal Columbia Heights tennis syndicate and regularly bets against himself with huge payoffs going the syndicates way. The Nathanael Greene Society argued strongly for his ban from the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic, but in the end his solid play and a hope for a hometown boy to make good was a movie in the making.

Lindsay Nash--Black Mountain, NC
Nash, a serve and volley specialist will thrill those with an insiders knowledge of the game. This player's player has a major downfall, her inability to turn left. She is currently working with the notarized hypnotise Virgil McJeffers and her Estonian coach, Kaia Kanepi. Will her very solid up and down game be enough for her to take home the prestigious Pearl trophy? Be assured that if she does win Nash will be placed to the right of the trophy during the presentation.

Sam Kirby--Meadows of Dan, VA
The king of reverse reverse psychology, Kirby will bend over backward to make you think that you are winning, and you will. However Kirby is still a force to be reckoned with. The sous-chef of his own six course tourney, Kirby serves up cross-slices faster than you can say fagabefe, pausing only to wipe the crumbs from his salty maw and in true Dickensonian style, come back for more. Known in some parts as the “Rojo Haired Loco” and the “Wooer of Llamas”, Kirby’s penchant for tex-mex tennis proves to be a double-edged sword, elevating his game to caliente! but deporting his toilet south of the border. Look for Kirby to drop it like it’s hot on and off the court, an all-too familiar phenomenon for unsuspecting Buenos Airians. Also keep your eyes peeled for Kirby’s tennis two-step, the Prom Special. Rumored as exotic and scintillating as the Ecuadorian Quetzal, it is just as elusive and every bit as intoxicating.

Monday's 10 Random Facts

10.) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave--Lindsay Nash lost the ability to turn left during a marathon screening of the Police Academy series. It remains a major downfall in her tennis game.

9.) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants-- Glenn Davis is also banned from Finland.

8.) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year--Justin Fertick will not sign autographs because of this.

7.) The rarest blood type in the world is type A-H, less than 12 people have it--Lets pray that Lauren Shapiro doesn't cut herself during play.

6.) Pinocchio was made of pine--Much like the racquet choice of Max Bergmann, known for its strength to weight ratio.

5.) Dolphins sleep with one eye open--Sarah Talbot sleeps with both eyes open.

4.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue--Aaron Lawler is known to lash out at his opponents and the fans around with a sharp tongue.

3.) Pigs can run a mile in 7 ½ minutes--This is faster than 92% of the field.

2.) Whale vomit, which once cost twice as much as gold, was believed by Arabs to be an intense aphrodisiac. It has been scientifically proven... for male rats, that is--Tom Mackey still swears by it.

1.) Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin while working for Ms. Greene at the Greene's Estate, Mulberry Grove--Sam Kirby's Racquet is named "Mulberry Grove" and he has created a shot that experts are calling the "Cotton Gin" for its ability to quickly and easily separate the cotton fibers from opponents racquets.

Monday, June 4, 2007

RACQUETOLOGY

Week 3

Adam Osterholz--Baton Rouge, LA
As an aspiring figure skater, Adam "Princess O" Osterholz hopes to try his delicate grace on the court. Furious with the fact that Will Farrell's movie "Blades of Glory" made fun of his true passion, Adam will take that furry and unleash with his racquet. Do not let Adam's warm hearted, gentle demeanor fool you, for inside he is not quite the delicate flower he appears to be. A heavy impression could very well be left on the clay by the Princess. Strengths: Stong ankles and a beautiful Triple Sowcow. Weaknesses: Tennis.

Sarah Talbot--Charlottesville, VA
If grace could be defined in a movement it would be Talbot's forehand. Opponents have been caught flat footed and watching as Talbot will send another beauty down their throats. But all is not pirouettes with her game, her backhand will make a mule kick and a bull charge. Known around the circuit as Les Backhandhauser, she has spent the past several weeks with expert backhand coach Harry Jazzercise. If Jazzercise can improve her backhand look for Talbot to go far.

Ralph Ledgerwood--Alexandria, VA
One word - Ralph Ledgerwood. This former IBA superstar is favored by many to go all the way. He placed 2nd in the George C. Scott Bi-annual Wildlife Refuge Charity Tour, 3rd in the Pocahontas Freedom Invitational Tournament of Champions, and won the Santa Anna Children's Society Benefit Foundation Cup Classic. Even though these were all karaoke competitions, he is expected to go far. Strengths: Experience and a solid short game. Weaknesses: Distracted easily by the ladies.

Kyle Rabe--Greenville, SC
Rabe bounced around the Snapple Wooden Circuit (SWC) for years before his first big win. He's managed to add a couple trophys to his mantle since and isn't looking back. He received an at-large invitation with his strong play and 2nd place finish at the Savannah Open. Rabe is known as a serve specialist. He will keep you well behind the baseline with his 63+ MPH serves. If you can return it, then you have a chance. Look for Rabe to come unraveled in the second round when a potential match-up with Max Bergmann will keep Rabe running.

PLAYER DEVELOPMENT

Sharon Kirby--Previously of Greensboro, NC
Kirby has opted out of the tournament to deal with her ailing husband's pride. Kirby could not be reached for comment, but sources inside say that she is distraught over her husband's desire to live in the past.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Rafael's Poetry Corner

"Aedh Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven"--WB Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

"As Toilsome I Wander’d"--W. Whitman


AS toilsome I wander’d Virginia’s woods,
To the music of rustling leaves, kick’d by my feet, (for ’twas autumn,)
I mark’d at the foot of a tree the grave of a soldier,
Mortally wounded he, and buried on the retreat, (easily all could I understand;)
The halt of a mid-day hour, when up! no time to lose—yet this sign left,
On a tablet scrawl’d and nail’d on the tree by the grave,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

Long, long I muse, then on my way go wandering;
Many a changeful season to follow, and many a scene of life;
Yet at times through changeful season and scene, abrupt, alone, or in the crowded street,
Comes before me the unknown soldier’s grave—comes the inscription rude in Virginia’s woods,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.


"Old General G"--J. Fertick

There once was a General Greene.
His backhand and dropshot are mean.
He has a serve that is hearty,
And represents the Whig Party,
Now he dominates the Wooden Racquet scene.


"ABSTRACT"--J. Fertick

Tennis.
Wood.
Greene.
Tennis again.



Tuesday, May 29, 2007

RACQUETOLOGY

WEEK 2

Whit Altizer--Black Mountain, NC
A man for all seasons has a undefeated record on grass, able to hit the drop shot in a forward roll and a backhand in a dive from a dead sprint. Unfortunately Altizer has been terrible on the hard courts of Europe going 2-14 in the last year. Unable to connect with the crowds of Eastern Europe has left Altizer a misunderstood star with a quick temper. Will this be his first championship on the hard courts or will his no holds bar style of tennis leave his body broken and his dreams shattered.

Jeff Friedman--Sunnyvale, CA
Friedman moved east after conquering the the Southern California circuit. He prefers the soft touch of beech in his racquet and therefore is a finesse player. Friedman has been unable to capture the power game and can be manhandled under the right circumstances. His first serve has been compared to that of Billie Jean King.

Tara Lonnberg--Stockholm, Sweden
Lonnberg has a game as sweet as Lutefisk and Ostkaka. Usually paired with her older brother Carl, the two have dominated the doubles circuit. In her first foray in the singles world Lonnberg dislocated her opponent trachea with a half volley to the throat. She then proceeded to complain that her opponent's breathing was distracting. Lonnberg is on a 3 game winning streak.

Aaron Lawlor--Kilkarney, Ireland
You may not be real familiar with the Lawlor name, but you will be after this tournament. For the past 6 months Aaron Lawlor has been training for the Nathanael Greene Classic with the dedication and determination of a true champion. 10 hour days of practice are not uncommon. Some folks have been questioning Aaron's training methods however; with his decision to solely play Tennis on Nintendo Wii rather than actually ever stepping onto a real court. When asked about what Aaron thinks of those who doubt him, he responded confidently with "Dude...I made it to Level 4 on Expert Mode." Aaron's strengths include agility and quick reaction time. His biggest weakness is that he will most likely try and play with a wooden Wii Controller.

INJURY REPORT

Jay Heidbrink--Dallas, Texas
Heidbrink suffers from acute extensor carpi radialis brevis tendonitis. Heidbrink brought a sigh to every competitors' lips when he suffered this devastating blow at the hands of a Max Bergmann overhead smash. Heidbrink, unable to continue with his right hand was able to muster up the courage to beat Bergmann with 7 consecutive aces with his left hand. Heidbrink, a crowd favorite for his ability to question his opponents and yell at the chair umpire, would of brought a style of play that would of validated an already tough field of tennis players.

Michael Fuchs--Riverdale, NY
Fuchs suffered a mental breakdown after a tough match in Riga, Latvia. Fuchs after being convinced to play a Russian Oil Millionaire in Madagascar Rules Tennis cracked under the pressure of knowing if he lost he would have to chose between his left hand pinkie or his right foot big toe. Fuchs' came from behind to win 4-6, 7-5, 7-5 to keep his pinkie, but double faulted to the pressure. Fuchs is now recuperating in a undisclosed Istanbul Hospital.



Tuesday, May 22, 2007

RACQUETOLOGY

Greetings,

Every week I will try and post a couple player profiles and player developments, we are going to call it Racquetology. Here is the Racquetology for the week of 21 May 2007.




RACQUETOLOGY



Tom Mackey--Potomac, MD
A left-hander with a solid net game. Mackey has an uncanny ability to get under his opponents skin with a technique referred to some as "Crazy Tom". USTF has fined Mackey for laughing during his backhand and playing while intoxicated. First round matches him up with a similar opponent Adam Osterholz This will be the 1st round match to see. Mackey is seeded 8th in the North Bracket.

Jina Kang--New York, NY
Her Tourrette Syndrome may make for immature snickers from the crowd, but her game is nothing to laugh over. She'll send back soup in a deli as easily as your serve. Kang is seeded 10th in the North Bracket.

Max Bergmann--Unknown
The Michael Chang of the 21st Century. His court coverage is amazing, prefers baseline to baseline and relies on his opponents unforced errors. Bergmann, a streaky player, is on a 14-0 winning streak and won last week's PT Beauregard Invitational in Charleston, SC. Seeded 4th in the West Bracket due to his rotten 0-11 month of February.

Beth Kirby--Martinsville, VA
Like asparagus pee she will offend you, but you'll come back for a second whiff and then stick around. A game classified as "Jackson Pollock with a racquet" she paints the corners, and then everything else. Her ability to outlast her opponent will come in handy in the June heat. Look for Kirby to go far in this tournament, with only her dog Bella a distraction.



Justin Fertick--Constantinople, Turkey
To predict Justin's performance in this tournament would be quite the task. After coming off of a three year Russian Stratego Round Robin tourney, some question whether he has had enough time to re-energize. One thing you cannot overlook when factoring in Fertick's abilities, is the recent addition of three extra fingers on his right hand from an underground "experimental" surgery. Look for a mean top spin that will keep oponents glued to the base line, and a serve that has been described as "hallucinogenic". His biggest weakness is his inability to accept the role of the net.



INJURY REPORT

Michael Richards--Des Moines, Iowa
Believed to be the best racquet maker above the tropic of cancer, Richards broke his elbow while cutting down a tree to make his new racket. Richards, nicknamed Roy Hobbs for his homerun swing would be a definite final four pick. He will miss 6 to 8 weeks and is questionable at this time for the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Top Ten Reasons to Play in the Nathanael Greene Wooden Classic

10) It's a great way to connect with your wood.

9) Get in touch with your American Heritage as General Greene dropshots a Red Coat.

8) Where else is it acceptable to wear headbands?

7) The Pearl American Standard Trophy--Ever hear of the War of Jenkin's Ear...actually started because of the Pearl Trophy

6) The keg party afterwards will be off the hook, and quite possibly off the chain.

5) The courts have already been paid for.

4) Everything else going on that weekend is stupid. We checked.

3) Good possibility Pete Sampras will make a celebrity appearance.
(Note: Pete Sampras will most likely not be there.)

2) This tournament is the beginning of an annual legacy.

1) All proceeds will go to savethechildren.org.

www.savethechildren.org

www.nathanaelgreenewoodenclassic.com

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Nathanael Geene Tournament Announced For June 23rd 2007

Ladies and gentlemen,

The 1st annual Nathanael Greene All Wooden Tennis Racquet Invitation Cup Memorial Classic will be held on June 23th 2007. Please go to http://www.nathanaelgreenewoodenclassic.com/ for the latest news and updates. Thank you.